secretunspoken

Title says it all.

A girl died in 1933 by a homicide murderer. He buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murdered chanted, "Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.

Well, I have myself a new public journal so you guys know the drill.

This journal is now friends only. There will be no more public posts in this journal!

So, yes, I'm staying over my grandparents house. And yes, I am having a fucking crappy time at the moment.

Clearly this is the house that normal forgot. They spend the entire time yelling at me, my brother or each other. When they're not, they're voicing their uneducated and ignorant pseudo-socialist views.

What's worse is that they're view on normal eating is completely out of whack! Today, forexample, they fed me creamy sauced pasta for lunch AND curry for dinner. How the fuck is that normal?!? They were bloody huge portions as well. They're really funny about food as well. Like if I eat no biscuits, they give me an odd look and ask me if I have an eaing disorder. If I eat one, I get told I'm a pig and will lose my waistline. (And, no, I'm not stretching the truth).

I just know I'm going to be back to 130lb by the end of this week. It pisses me off. There are no fucking scales in this house. I wish I had the heart to prge again but, no, I'm a weak bitch so of course I don't.

( Erm, yeah.... )

So life is pretty up in the air right now. I've got exams to concentrate on and loads of work to do and a boyfriend to keep happy. It's like I don't even have very much time to myself anymore. I'm not sure how I even made the time to write this entry.

So, yeah, I'm pretty much shattered. I'm not getting much sleep nowadays. I think I might be getting stressed out about my exams which is preventing me from sleeping. That can't be good. I'm considering perhaps going down to the doctor's and asking for some sleeping pills. Preferrably ones that supress hunger whilst their at it as well but, hey, I'll take what they have. I'm beginning to get desperate here!

I also cut for the first time in almost a year last night. That's quite depressing but quite claming at the same time. Yeah, I know, I'm talking crap again. It may sound strange but it feels like I work better when I'm cutting or starving. I'm not sure if that's actually true but it sure as fuck feels like it.

Anyways, that's enoguh for now.

:: shakes with scared-ness ::

Please with good luck thoughts and stuff for my friends and I for the upcoming 6 weeks. We could really use it!

Between the hours of one o'clock and five o'clock in the morning, I threw up a grand total of seven times. I'm tired. My stomach hurts. My throat is burning. Now I remember why I hate doing that intentionally.

What's worse is it now means, on only the second day of my new job, I actually have to call in sick. Well, that's not good. =(

So, instead I will do some revsion, watch my DVDs, take a bath and do this rather depressing quiz...

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. </td> Suicide 100% Bomb 80% Disease 67% Disappear 53% Stabbed 47% Gunshot 47% Posion 47% Cut Throat 40% Suffocated 33% Accident 33% Drowning 33% Eaten 27% Natural Causes 27% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. </td> agnosticism 100% Buddhism 71% Satanism 54% Judaism 50% Paganism 50% atheism 50% Christianity 38% Islam 38% Hinduism 13% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Went for food sensitivty testing today. Turns out I'm lacotse intolerant. And, since lactose is in just about everythign on the face of the earth since time began, I don't have to eat very much anymore. Mwhaha!

Unfortunately, I'm also intolrent towards cola and fizzy drinks in general. That kind of sucks considering the fact that the whole "caffine induced metabolism boost" was great for quick and easy weight loss. Oh well. There's always coffee....black coffee.

But meh. Anyways.

Went to to Anime convention thingy down in London yesterday. It was pretty cool. I'm glad that I went. Had fun. Twas all good. Possibly coolest of all, I got to see what Tia Carrera looks like in real life. And she is absolutely stunning. She has the world's most amazing colouring and the most gorgeous cheekbones! I want to be her. :(

                                                                     

I'm having a shit day. Well, not so much f what's happening. Just the way I feel.

First of all, because I've had to be hard at study all fricking day, I've had to fricking eat. Ugh! Gross!

Also, all of this studying depresses me so much. I'm not smart enough to do this. I just keep feeling like I don't know enough. I'm so nervous about my exams. I hate this.

I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, not so weird in a strange, mental institution kind of way. More strange in a "O-K never had THAT dream before" kind of way.

Usuaully I dream about having an ED or being with my boyfriend or being part of the Mafia (I've seen The Godfather waaay too many times, I'm sorry). But last night I dreamt about what it would be like if I didn't pass my exams. What it would be like if I didn't get my first choice university place. And it was kind of unsettling how much it hurt me.

And that's when I kind of realised how important passing these exams and being an academic in general is for me. As late, I've been questioning what makes me. You know, like what's my talent? What makes me tick? What's going to stop my life from being nothing but failure? And now I kind of have my answer.

I can't decide if it's a good answer or a bad answer. Sure, it's better than "being pretty" which was my usual quote on what's important to me but I'm not sure if I'm just setting myself up for failure. I mean, I know I'm smart and all....but I'm not three As smart. I'm more 3Bs or 1 A and 2 Bs smart. With three As on the table, I kind of have to wonder, am I ever going to be happy?

I'm beginning to get my head around some Nazi stuff and I've suddenly discovered some profound liking of Dr Goebbels. Not really but because of what he or the Nazis did. More for the things he said. I was watching some archieved footage of him giving a public speech and he was rather capitvating. He made the audience smile and laugh but he also remained strong and powerful. Also, some of the extracts from his diary, about the way he felt, espeically feelings about his wife, I almost felt like I could relate to. I think it's easy to forget that these people are still people on the inside. It doesn't justify what they did but it doesn't make them inhuman monsters.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

( Oh Can You Feel The Survey Tonight? )

1) Who the fuck keeps voting Labour?

2) Why the fuck have we allowed them to live?

(Erm, you may have guessed, I don't vote Labour)

I follow logic.

I must be perfect.

I will not stop until I am perfect.

You cannot promise me perfection.

Therefore, you cannot stop me.

...those who can read my friend' part of this journal know why.

Just fuck back-stabbers. They're not worth it.

Anyways, got rejected from yet another casting. Which sucks. It wasn't really one that I was particularly interested in but it would have been nice to get it all the same. I really need to start thinking about an agent. I think I'm going to send out some cover letters and pictures later on this month and hope for the best. I'm kind of thinking it's going to be now or never. I can't guarntee I'll be at the right end of the country soon so best to get their interest whilst I'm still here. Alternatively, I'm think about getting an account at Wicked Talent. Could be cool.

....ok, so not really. Been there and done that ages ago.


But I do have a spot on the end of my nose. Which has been a first for ages. I hardly ever gets spots. Sucki-ness.

In other news, I'm having the day off as I have been having weird stomach cramps for the last couple of days. I think it could be due to binge which gives me more motivation not to do it. Either that or it could be clacium overdose....meh...

I'm in an extremely cool mood today. I don't know why. Nothing has gone my way in a while so I should really want to break down about now. I mean, look at the post yesterday. Hmm. Yeah. Wasn't feeling too good back then.

But, suprisingly, I'm feeling rather cool today. Myabe it's because I went out and got a load of vitamin supplements. I love vitamin supplements. I got some calcium ones, some cod liver oils ones and some which appartently help out skin, hair and nails. Woot!

I do miss not having my boyfriend around though. I mean, it's not like he ever was around but, for the first time ever, I'm really beginning to notice how great the distance between us is. It's sad. I think I can hack it though. I work well on my own. Working in a pair is just a bonus.